CW SUICIDAL IDEATION & MENTAL HEATLH

I want to share a small victory going on in my personal life. I'm going to be incredibly vulnerable here.

Things are actually starting to look up again, and it's been a long time since I've been comfortable saying that.

Starting since June (but really, long before that), I have been deeply depressed- one of the worst stretches of it in my life. It's...well. It had gotten pretty bad.

I became a total recluse this entire summer, only going out when I had to. I've pulled away from friends, and from family, and I've spent a lot of time just sleeping days away. I haven't even been able to respond to people worried about me. I felt like a total burden who didn't deserve to take up space. I stopped taking care of myself and my space properly.

It was to the point where, several times, I considered what it would be like if I were not here anymore.

I lost my sense of whimsy and couldn't even create, which has always been a core part of who I am. It felt like I had nothing anymore.

I started anti depressants & anxiety medication a few days ago and my head is completely clear. You don't realize how loud your thoughts are, how debilitating they really are, until you are faced with the opposite. I knew I was sad, but I didn't realize how many of the roadblocks I faced were because I was that sad.

I thought myself as lazy, messy, irresponsible, undependable- I had attributed so many bad things with myself, which made the feedback loop worse. I felt terribly mentally ill and that being around people would make them tired of me.

I know it takes some time to get situated into these kinds of medications and that there may be some sneaky side effect just around the corner- but for right now, I feel so good. I feel the best I think I have felt in years. I'm thankful I had a psychiatrist listen to what I had wrong and didn't just speak at me.

It feels nice knowing that soon I may be able to get back into the things I love and work towards fixing all of the messes I made.

“There are far, far better things ahead than anything we leave behind.” – CS Lewis

A little sneaky sneak- I haven't drawn in so long I have to reintroduce my style to my hands. I hope to return to YouTube and streaming full time now that I'm feeling better. Let's see if this brought back my motivation.